I tried to hold her hand last night when I was driving her home.  She threw my hand away.  It hurt.  Perhaps she is not that love me.  Whatever she said was just to pacify me.  If so, what’s the point to begging her to be with me?  I want to be with her.  I am willing to give up whatever in my life…. or even my life, but she may not want it or even doesn’t really care.

Frankly, if I am unable to be with her finally, I can’t see what’s the point to stay in this space.  If as she believes, there is eternal life, why bother to suffer for this short journey?  I know that “sucide” is only a way that will make her miss me … and hate me.  Hence, this won’t be under consideration.  However, having some nice accident perhaps can be a good ending for me.

Make it practical, I should leave her sunddenly without any more begging. At least, this will save some miserable dinity for myself.  Then, after a while, when the time comes, some nice accident will end my pain.  So nobody will link she and me together.  So she will be able to enjoy her noble status and continue to give chance to that shit head.  And I will be able to enjoy my eternal life in hell, it will make nothing worse for me.

As she agreed to see me this Sunday, let me meet her one more last time.  Enjoy the last paradise, and I am ready for deteriorating my life.  I will hide away from her, as she wish.  I will stay with Exx, as she wish.  Then, after a while, when everyone get their wish, I will go …. as I wish.

So, GOD if you are listen to me (I bet that you don’t), I think you must be happy, since you can keep the noble status for your daughter and get rid of me this evil to interrupt the noble Christian marriage under your praise.

Well, everybody happy?  See you in hell!

Took away my heart and wish me healthy, hahaha……..  Well, how nice it will be to be a healthy living death.  Perhaps this is the best way out for a non-Christian.  Without the noble status, this should be the second best for a “mud” people like me.  The first choice is hell.

I know that she won’t like me do this, I have started losing my control.  I couldn’t help cursing him and even GOD.

After trying every effort, finally, she gave me up.  For eternal life, for being the noble Christian, for giving him the chance he deserved?  I dare not guess.  The only thing I know is … she chose to gave me up.  Throw me in the eternal darkness.

Or perhaps I should not say that.  Without her, I was already living in a grey mist.  I didn’t know what is love.  I didn’t know what I live for.  Knowing her made me find my priority of life.  Knowing her drag me out of the colourless world. 

Now, I am just returning to where I originally belong …. or maybe a bit worse.

After struggling for all these years, finally, I have to realize that I am nothing more but still a mud people.  A non-Christian mud people.  Why?  What the point for me to keep trying hard to be a good one, or at least a normal person?

In front of GOD, I know I am so tinny to show my anger.  In fact, GOD, she and nobody cares.  I am such a loser.  I dare not destroy anthing…since it will make her unhappy.  I don’t even dare destroy myself for the same reason.  I love her that much that I still don’t want to upset her even now.  The only thing I can do is waiting.  Wait for the day of hell comes.

It will be fun to lying in the deep shit of hell and watching her and him to enjoy the wrapping of GOD’s praise.  At least, at that moment, I realise that hell is no longer horrible for me.

By writing down the words I dare not tell her can make me feel better, especially when I believe that she doesn’t bother any more.

This morning, I spent almost an hour to search for the newspaper she wanted.  I was so weak.  If I am strong enough, I should leave the newspaper at her frontdesk, and then I left.  However, I just wanted to see her for one more time.  Hence, after struggling for a moment, I called her extension.  When she came out, I was such a chicken that I dared not look into her eyes.  I just left her the newspaper and then escaped.  Yes, escaped.  I dared not stay there for one more second.  I just didn’t want her notice that how much I miss her.

It’s her decision that I am the non-important element in her eternity with GOD and him.  So what’s the point to be a humble and tinny rubbish on her way.

Perhaps this should be the last time I did this silly act.  Don’t try to find any more excuse to see her.  It’s you miss her only, but she doesn’t really care, when comparing with GOD and him.

Let go, please, let go!