1st Day after Yesterday

2005年08月07日

Dear,

Last night, a Saturday night, after the Stream of Praise concert, we talked. Frankly, I didn’t enjoy the show; it didn’t mean that I didn’t believe in God. However, as a faithful Christian, you didn’t feel like it. It hurts. I was collapsed when you said that you wouldn’t be with me…if finally I couldn’t be a Christian. It hurts more is … even if I finally become a Christian, you may not be with me as well. So, what I am gonna to do? I wish I could be an faithful Christian like you. However, at this moment I am not the one to be chosen. What the hell can I do? Yes, I know that you will say that I am not doing hard enough to get closer to God. How about put it this way, why couldn’t God give me more chance to get close to him? Again, I know this will annoy you.

God is your priority, but love is my priority. And you … are the priority in my priority. I know how it hurts..how deep the pain is ….to give up the priority. As you are my priority, I really don’t want you to experience the pain I have been through. Hence, my only choice is to … accept separation. It is ridiculous. It is almost like some kind of that cheap love story. When you love someone that much, you have to stop loving her. This is the fact that I will not accept until I die.

Me… is just a tinny human in your life. And your life is just a small part of your future eternity. So, I am ….NOTHING!

Don’t tell me how GOD loves us and has his arrangement. I believe in GOD, but I am not that saint to believe in that he loves me. If he loves me, how come he stops me from loving you. I know that I have repeated it so many times, but I still can’t figure it out. If only the relationship wrapped by the praise of GOD will sustain, how about the millions who are not Christian. They don’t deserve love? They don’t deserve the most beautiful thing in this world?…. just because they don’t believe in GOD. If so, what kind of GOD is this?

I do really want to believe in GOD loves me. However, I don’t want to lie, I can’t feel that at all right now. Without you, I don’t even want to stay in this space anymore. Hell is not a physical place, Hell is somewhere in heart. The truth is … if you don’t believe in GOD, you go hell. That’s the simple rule in Bible. OK, fine, I am ready to go hell.

Don’t worry, I won’t do anything silly. If I do anything silly, I know that I will put you in a deep regret, of which I will never do for my love one. I will survive, just because of you. I won’t be able to be a friend with you. I won’t be able to see you. Of course, I won’t pray for you and him. The best I can do is not cursing you two. I will stay quietly in a dark corner, licking the wound that will never be healed. The reason that I can’t stand to see you is … every time when I see you, I will have to pretend that I am fine… in fact, my heart is cutting by the damn cursed knife prepared by your beloved GOD. Damn!

I still went church today. I wanted to cry every minute this morning, but I still had to pretend that I was fine. So many times, I have to breath deeply to suppress my tears dropped. Why? If I left the cell group and/or the ApxxxxTxxx now, I will put you into an embarrassing situation and you will be unhappy. Again, you cannot please your noble GOD. So, I just let my heart breeding to accomplish your mission to your noble GOD.

Well, Christian is a noble status. Once, I wanted to have this status. Now, I decide to give it up. I will hide, I will escape. After I can really squeeze the silly bitter smile again in my face, I will become a cheap slave again. I won’t do anything bad…intentionally. However, I don’t want to be a good one anymore. I will do whatever makes me getting away from remembering you.

If there is a hell awaiting…. please let me get in as soon as possible. If the only place I can meet you is in heaven, but can’t be with you, THROW ME TO HELL, PLEASE!!!

Posted in: 隨心 |
按此回應 | 回應的RSS | 引用通告(1)| (1)